[ He blows out a sigh through his nose, and then says with a crooked smile: ]
To be completely clear: you’re encouraging me to abandon the duties at which I am particularly effective, simply because I do not enjoy them, at a time when the little girl who lives down the lane from me is spending her every waking moment trying to look beneath every rock she can find in case Mama’s under there?
[ He gestures with his cigarette. ]
I don’t think I’m going to spend too long thinking it over. But Maker bless you for being so concerned about my happiness.
[ you’re encouraging me to abandon the duties at which I am particularly effective, simply because I do not enjoy them,
is its own, guilty pang. but rutyer didn't swear oaths. ]
'M concerned when it starts getting on everyone else.
[ cedric rolls a wrist, flexes the fingers about his anchor loose. gela's right; they've all been strained. jayce stood in the surf, thunderstruck for something cedric hasn't grasped the full shape of. vega's faint admission, it was very loud, ]
[ rutyer swore so many fucking oaths, it's really gross ]
I also am concerned when it starts getting on everyone else.
[ An arched eyebrow. Wasn't the crux of the original argument around whether or not people had the right to snap at newcomers due to the stress they were under? But it's neither here nor there; he shakes his head, not wanting to settle back into that previous unsatisfying argument. Wanting to move instead into a new, better one. ]
I presume you're asking if I've spoken to anyone about my feelings on them. To which the answer is: I have a beloved who lends me his one good ear, though at times I prefer to whisper into the deaf one. Much less embarrassing.
Though it was bloody hard to tell the difference between him and that demon. Doesn't exactly speak of someone who's ever going to be particularly knowable.
As you were saying all that to me - why continue to do the job if you despise it, all that - I wonder what was going through your head. I wonder if you were thinking about your own obligations.
[ a home. an education. a small fortune in room and board and training and lyrium. every horse he's ridden, sword he's swung. some day they'll pull the head from his shoulders, and it's the chantry who'll sew his lips and sleep him in a tomb.
we've been given so much, and, ]
More'n anything, 's given me purpose. Chance t'be a part of something greater.
[ He takes a moment to look over the page. Or - well. He takes a moment to look like he's looking it over, while he in fact thinks about something else altogether. ]
I was Chantry-educated, myself. Our family had nothing, so I'd make the trek down to the village to join the children of the freemen at their studies. I cannot say that I was a diligent student - you'll be shocked to hear it - but I owe to them the fact that I learned to read and write, and do basic sums. Skills that served me well enough when I struck out on my own.
[ our family had nothing, comes a surprise, not quite swallowed by the pinch of his brow. maybe it oughtn’t. plenty of money came through the monastery; impossible to imagine back then, that some kid delivered by carriage might lack.
but he's heard them talk on it, talk around it: the thorny shape of a familiar hunger. and now benedict, he supposes. byerly. ]
Learned child's a blessing, [ upon his parents, that verse goes. upon his parents and the maker, ] For anyone's got letters t'post.
[ cedric levels a glance. the joke's an exit ramp, if rutyer wants it. but after this elliptical interrogation, means something that he's given of his own. ]
[ That's a real laugh - not loud, not long, just an appreciative chuckle at a well-constructed joke.
But he doesn't take the exit ramp. Instead: ]
When I was about seventeen. Or a few days shy of it. I, in my infinite wisdom - and not a bit of reckless fury - decided that I could make my way in the world with nothing but an extra pair of socks and my patchy autumn coat and my fiddle. It was in Firstfall, but it was an unseasonably warm day, and in my ignorance it never even occurred to me, say, things might get colder tomorrow.
I spent the first night on the road sleeping under a bridge and woke up with numb fingers. Couldn't warm my hands all day, which interfered with my clever plan to trade music for a ride in a haycart towards Denerim. But my eyes still worked. And along came a merchant who had a stack of correspondence he'd picked up in town but no time to read it yet. And so I didn't earn my way as a fiddler, but instead a learned factotum.
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To be completely clear: you’re encouraging me to abandon the duties at which I am particularly effective, simply because I do not enjoy them, at a time when the little girl who lives down the lane from me is spending her every waking moment trying to look beneath every rock she can find in case Mama’s under there?
[ He gestures with his cigarette. ]
I don’t think I’m going to spend too long thinking it over. But Maker bless you for being so concerned about my happiness.
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is its own, guilty pang. but rutyer didn't swear oaths. ]
'M concerned when it starts getting on everyone else.
[ cedric rolls a wrist, flexes the fingers about his anchor loose. gela's right; they've all been strained. jayce stood in the surf, thunderstruck for something cedric hasn't grasped the full shape of. vega's faint admission, it was very loud, ]
You talk to anyone? About the attacks.
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I also am concerned when it starts getting on everyone else.
[ An arched eyebrow. Wasn't the crux of the original argument around whether or not people had the right to snap at newcomers due to the stress they were under? But it's neither here nor there; he shakes his head, not wanting to settle back into that previous unsatisfying argument. Wanting to move instead into a new, better one. ]
I presume you're asking if I've spoken to anyone about my feelings on them. To which the answer is: I have a beloved who lends me his one good ear, though at times I prefer to whisper into the deaf one. Much less embarrassing.
Do you have anyone to speak to?
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[ patient. thoughtful. and as equipped as anyone here to discuss their particular relationship to death —
he lets the argument lie. by now, point's made or it's not. if rutyer cares to mend those fences, it's him's got to do it. he rubs a knuckle. ]
But we're not so close. Reckon that's easier, maybe. [ much less embarrassing ] Some shit you don't wanna drag home.
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[ By purses his lips in consideration of Vanya. ]
Though it was bloody hard to tell the difference between him and that demon. Doesn't exactly speak of someone who's ever going to be particularly knowable.
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Well, he's not gonna give you a reaction.
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[ the jerk of his chin: the gallows. a fucking horror show. ]
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How old are you, exactly?
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[ alright, so rutyer can do math, ]
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[ He considers Cedric a moment. ]
As you were saying all that to me - why continue to do the job if you despise it, all that - I wonder what was going through your head. I wonder if you were thinking about your own obligations.
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[ simple, unequivocal. he's gamed it out before. ]
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[ a home. an education. a small fortune in room and board and training and lyrium. every horse he's ridden, sword he's swung. some day they'll pull the head from his shoulders, and it's the chantry who'll sew his lips and sleep him in a tomb.
we've been given so much, and, ]
More'n anything, 's given me purpose. Chance t'be a part of something greater.
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Like the Exalted March.
[ His pen makes a little flourish as he signs the letter. ]
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[ he tracks the final swoop of pen; nods. sets to wiping slate, folding away the old draft. someone'll want it. nothing confidential on. ]
Can't no one do it alone.
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[ He takes a moment to look over the page. Or - well. He takes a moment to look like he's looking it over, while he in fact thinks about something else altogether. ]
I was Chantry-educated, myself. Our family had nothing, so I'd make the trek down to the village to join the children of the freemen at their studies. I cannot say that I was a diligent student - you'll be shocked to hear it - but I owe to them the fact that I learned to read and write, and do basic sums. Skills that served me well enough when I struck out on my own.
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but he's heard them talk on it, talk around it: the thorny shape of a familiar hunger. and now benedict, he supposes. byerly. ]
Learned child's a blessing, [ upon his parents, that verse goes. upon his parents and the maker, ] For anyone's got letters t'post.
[ cedric levels a glance. the joke's an exit ramp, if rutyer wants it. but after this elliptical interrogation, means something that he's given of his own. ]
When was that?
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[ That's a real laugh - not loud, not long, just an appreciative chuckle at a well-constructed joke.
But he doesn't take the exit ramp. Instead: ]
When I was about seventeen. Or a few days shy of it. I, in my infinite wisdom - and not a bit of reckless fury - decided that I could make my way in the world with nothing but an extra pair of socks and my patchy autumn coat and my fiddle. It was in Firstfall, but it was an unseasonably warm day, and in my ignorance it never even occurred to me, say, things might get colder tomorrow.
I spent the first night on the road sleeping under a bridge and woke up with numb fingers. Couldn't warm my hands all day, which interfered with my clever plan to trade music for a ride in a haycart towards Denerim. But my eyes still worked. And along came a merchant who had a stack of correspondence he'd picked up in town but no time to read it yet. And so I didn't earn my way as a fiddler, but instead a learned factotum.
[ He smiles wryly down at the pages before him. ]
Life does rhyme, at times.
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