[ Not the first it's been said, and no easier to hear. He's run his whole life to be worthy of the Order, to be a piece of something greater. The grand design of child thieves. Mumbled, ]
'S my sword hand.
[ He's ambidextrous. And so that too could sound a joke, save that —
The next steps. He has thought about some, he has decided; one bright line above the noise: To take Riftwatch is to take him from the field. There are things that Cedric can't stomach. There are people he's done cutting down. ]
If you... Know you got yourself sorted, but I got ears. Can't say I'll understand any better. But I'd like t'try. I mean that, too. Not only for now.
If you'd like. I'd — not many people have asked who have the context.
[He doesn't mind explaining his position to sympathetic rifters, since they've started asking more recently; if he minded, he'd decline to. But it's different in a way that can't be fully measured.]
To the extent I'm sorted now, [debatable, in his own view] it didn't happen cleanly and it didn't happen fast. I've tried to do the right thing, but. You know.
[How easy it wasn't, sometimes, to identify "the right thing," nevermind actually doing it.]
[It's a good question. One he's not sure he's thought about in so many words.]
...I think there is good in the world that's worth protecting. Helping to grow, if I can. Even without the lyrium, I still have a pair of strong arms, a decent education. The willingness to stand between someone more vulnerable and a threat, when I can. I don't know that I know what's right, but I still believe it's worth trying to figure it out.
[A pause.]
Didn't mean to make a speech, but. I think those who would use power to oppress or abuse those without should be opposed. Corypheus and his followers are a clear-cut case and an imminent threat, so.
I asked for it. [ the speech. chews it over: ] Back in Skyhold, y'know, all felt clear-cut. Way forward did. Never figured we'd still be fighting him in nine-fifty.
That good you found — it feel the same way when you see it? Clear.
Sometimes. I think ... when you're in the Order, there's always an answer. The clarity of that is something I miss sometimes. Working on my own power, it's more—
[A pause while he considers.]
Sometimes it's just as clear. Laid out perfectly in front of me. And sometimes it's a mass of gray, and I just try to grab hold of the lightest shade I can because not choosing is also a choice. It doesn't always feel enough, but it's the best I have.
There's a point to having the answer, I mean. Clear or not. Choosing wasn't why I went after you. I dunno. 'S just, can't field an army on no orders. Seen how that goes.
[ the reds, the march, it all breaks down in the pitch of battle. ]
Don't expect you t'have the answer. But you been in charge of folks, before. They're never putting me in that.
I don't know if that was the right call, in the city. [In a tone that suggests he's thought about it since.] But not making a choice, they still would have died, and the attack on the Gallows could have been even worse than it was. Then again.
[An exhale, not quite a sigh.]
I gave back my rank and my insignia, but I can't give back years of training. For better or worse. I did used to lead, and when someone looks to me, even now, I have the impulse to give an answer.
[Would he still think any choice is better than no choice, if he hadn't been trained to make those battlefield calls? No way to know, now.]
[Even if it's wrong. It's a trap he knows well enough, and one he still sometimes falls into.]
I don't think being wrong is the end of the road, though, for what it's worth. It's only the end if you never ask another question again. Don't think you're in any danger of that, at least.
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no subject
'S my sword hand.
[ He's ambidextrous. And so that too could sound a joke, save that —
The next steps. He has thought about some, he has decided; one bright line above the noise: To take Riftwatch is to take him from the field. There are things that Cedric can't stomach. There are people he's done cutting down. ]
If you... Know you got yourself sorted, but I got ears. Can't say I'll understand any better. But I'd like t'try. I mean that, too. Not only for now.
no subject
[He doesn't mind explaining his position to sympathetic rifters, since they've started asking more recently; if he minded, he'd decline to. But it's different in a way that can't be fully measured.]
To the extent I'm sorted now, [debatable, in his own view] it didn't happen cleanly and it didn't happen fast. I've tried to do the right thing, but. You know.
[How easy it wasn't, sometimes, to identify "the right thing," nevermind actually doing it.]
no subject
[ Hoped, when he came here, that much'd come easier. Always seems it should be, under someone's banner. Simple problems, hero stories. Kid shit. ]
What's been guiding that? What,
[ a gesture unseen. ]
What've you been holding it to?
no subject
...I think there is good in the world that's worth protecting. Helping to grow, if I can. Even without the lyrium, I still have a pair of strong arms, a decent education. The willingness to stand between someone more vulnerable and a threat, when I can. I don't know that I know what's right, but I still believe it's worth trying to figure it out.
[A pause.]
Didn't mean to make a speech, but. I think those who would use power to oppress or abuse those without should be opposed. Corypheus and his followers are a clear-cut case and an imminent threat, so.
[Thus coming to Riftwatch, presumably.]
no subject
That good you found — it feel the same way when you see it? Clear.
[ imminent. ]
no subject
[A pause while he considers.]
Sometimes it's just as clear. Laid out perfectly in front of me. And sometimes it's a mass of gray, and I just try to grab hold of the lightest shade I can because not choosing is also a choice. It doesn't always feel enough, but it's the best I have.
no subject
[ when he wasn't choosing. ]
There's a point to having the answer, I mean. Clear or not. Choosing wasn't why I went after you. I dunno. 'S just, can't field an army on no orders. Seen how that goes.
[ the reds, the march, it all breaks down in the pitch of battle. ]
Don't expect you t'have the answer. But you been in charge of folks, before. They're never putting me in that.
it's been 84 years
[An exhale, not quite a sigh.]
I gave back my rank and my insignia, but I can't give back years of training. For better or worse. I did used to lead, and when someone looks to me, even now, I have the impulse to give an answer.
[Would he still think any choice is better than no choice, if he hadn't been trained to make those battlefield calls? No way to know, now.]
588 dog years
no subject
[Even if it's wrong. It's a trap he knows well enough, and one he still sometimes falls into.]
I don't think being wrong is the end of the road, though, for what it's worth. It's only the end if you never ask another question again. Don't think you're in any danger of that, at least.
no subject