You're far from the only person who assumed it was Antosha.
[It wasn't not Antosha, but not in the way most people had assumed. A man morally against Corypheus ran to the Venatori because he saw the mere possibility of life in a Circle as worse. It was one more thing on a pile of things, but it was there, still.]
I wrote a very censorious but scrupulously formal letter to Lord Seeker Lambert, when he dissolved the Accords. I'm certain he never saw it. But it is surely sitting in a file somewhere, now. [A short pause.] I didn't think of it at the time, but I do wonder if it was only bad luck that my unit was sent somewhere so dangerous I was the only survivor. But maybe that is the paranoia of hindsight.
[He hopes it was bad luck. The alternative is that his idealistic dissent got the blood of many Templars he'd known well on his hands, indirectly or otherwise.]
[ Paranoia, yeah, he fucking hopes. A step beyond the pale, past what he's willing to believe. But to sit with that thought, that guilt, ]
Would've been someone sent. Bad luck, or not. Would've been someone.
[ Another company. Maybe his own. The Rebellion is a shadow, stippled in points: First girl he killed. First time he might've died, first time a friend did. Then more of them. The Conclave, the Inquisition, and through it he never wrote a letter. Never stopped to ask much at all, not eighteen and a sword in his hand.
How many others did? How many, in that dead unit? ]
Dunno if no one wrote mine down. New Captain's not… well, he's Orlesian. But I worry, I mean. I wonder if this don't sign worse ahead. Telling folks we got a mandate, so we'll use it.
[ The only survivor. They don't talk about it much. Didn't, before, when any invocation felt it might bring the war back down on the Inquisition's head. The only survivor. Alone, save Antosha; and alone for that choice. ]
[Cedric is right, of course; if not his unit, someone else's. It does sting, knowing how much he still believed when it happened. If it did. But it's an old hurt; this isn't the first time he's had the thought, though it may be the first time he's articulated it.]
I think it's a sign of which way the wind is blowing, [quiet, off Cedric's last observation.] It could still change, though whether in direction or intensity remains to be seen. Either way, we've been fighting Corypheus a long time. Someone, at least, is starting to think it's past time to establish a new normal, I imagine.
[Corypheus will win or he will lose, eventually. But the longer Southern Thedas does without a functional Circle system, the more people potentially become accustomed to its absence. It's a political problem as much or more than a military one.]
[ That's where I'm going, he'd told Benedict. After.
But it's one thing to want the Circles restored. It's another, to know the blood that'll take. Self-organization hasn't worked. Reforms keep getting thrown back. Every year there's less room for a peaceful way out, for a world more like Cumberland; less like the Gallows. A generation of mages have only known this. The continent crawls with untrained apostates, folks primed to be sad and angry and frightened,
(If I'm being generous, Antosha. He was frightened.)
The creak of a chair. Fingers tent over eyes and nose. Where and how Riftwatch should fall into that new, ]
[It would probably land better if Vanya was sure it won't come to that. Still he exhales, not quite a laugh but a placeholder for where a laugh would go.]
Well. I don't think there's any need to jump ahead. But maybe it is worth thinking about how you'd react to some of the more likely next steps, when they come. Though I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
[This exhale is closer to a sigh than a laugh.]
If you stay. I sincerely hope the Order is worthy of you. I suppose that may sound ... I do mean it.
[ Not the first it's been said, and no easier to hear. He's run his whole life to be worthy of the Order, to be a piece of something greater. The grand design of child thieves. Mumbled, ]
'S my sword hand.
[ He's ambidextrous. And so that too could sound a joke, save that —
The next steps. He has thought about some, he has decided; one bright line above the noise: To take Riftwatch is to take him from the field. There are things that Cedric can't stomach. There are people he's done cutting down. ]
If you... Know you got yourself sorted, but I got ears. Can't say I'll understand any better. But I'd like t'try. I mean that, too. Not only for now.
If you'd like. I'd — not many people have asked who have the context.
[He doesn't mind explaining his position to sympathetic rifters, since they've started asking more recently; if he minded, he'd decline to. But it's different in a way that can't be fully measured.]
To the extent I'm sorted now, [debatable, in his own view] it didn't happen cleanly and it didn't happen fast. I've tried to do the right thing, but. You know.
[How easy it wasn't, sometimes, to identify "the right thing," nevermind actually doing it.]
[It's a good question. One he's not sure he's thought about in so many words.]
...I think there is good in the world that's worth protecting. Helping to grow, if I can. Even without the lyrium, I still have a pair of strong arms, a decent education. The willingness to stand between someone more vulnerable and a threat, when I can. I don't know that I know what's right, but I still believe it's worth trying to figure it out.
[A pause.]
Didn't mean to make a speech, but. I think those who would use power to oppress or abuse those without should be opposed. Corypheus and his followers are a clear-cut case and an imminent threat, so.
I asked for it. [ the speech. chews it over: ] Back in Skyhold, y'know, all felt clear-cut. Way forward did. Never figured we'd still be fighting him in nine-fifty.
That good you found — it feel the same way when you see it? Clear.
Sometimes. I think ... when you're in the Order, there's always an answer. The clarity of that is something I miss sometimes. Working on my own power, it's more—
[A pause while he considers.]
Sometimes it's just as clear. Laid out perfectly in front of me. And sometimes it's a mass of gray, and I just try to grab hold of the lightest shade I can because not choosing is also a choice. It doesn't always feel enough, but it's the best I have.
There's a point to having the answer, I mean. Clear or not. Choosing wasn't why I went after you. I dunno. 'S just, can't field an army on no orders. Seen how that goes.
[ the reds, the march, it all breaks down in the pitch of battle. ]
Don't expect you t'have the answer. But you been in charge of folks, before. They're never putting me in that.
I don't know if that was the right call, in the city. [In a tone that suggests he's thought about it since.] But not making a choice, they still would have died, and the attack on the Gallows could have been even worse than it was. Then again.
[An exhale, not quite a sigh.]
I gave back my rank and my insignia, but I can't give back years of training. For better or worse. I did used to lead, and when someone looks to me, even now, I have the impulse to give an answer.
[Would he still think any choice is better than no choice, if he hadn't been trained to make those battlefield calls? No way to know, now.]
[Even if it's wrong. It's a trap he knows well enough, and one he still sometimes falls into.]
I don't think being wrong is the end of the road, though, for what it's worth. It's only the end if you never ask another question again. Don't think you're in any danger of that, at least.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It wasn't not Antosha, but not in the way most people had assumed. A man morally against Corypheus ran to the Venatori because he saw the mere possibility of life in a Circle as worse. It was one more thing on a pile of things, but it was there, still.]
I wrote a very censorious but scrupulously formal letter to Lord Seeker Lambert, when he dissolved the Accords. I'm certain he never saw it. But it is surely sitting in a file somewhere, now. [A short pause.] I didn't think of it at the time, but I do wonder if it was only bad luck that my unit was sent somewhere so dangerous I was the only survivor. But maybe that is the paranoia of hindsight.
[He hopes it was bad luck. The alternative is that his idealistic dissent got the blood of many Templars he'd known well on his hands, indirectly or otherwise.]
no subject
[ Paranoia, yeah, he fucking hopes. A step beyond the pale, past what he's willing to believe. But to sit with that thought, that guilt, ]
Would've been someone sent. Bad luck, or not. Would've been someone.
[ Another company. Maybe his own. The Rebellion is a shadow, stippled in points: First girl he killed. First time he might've died, first time a friend did. Then more of them. The Conclave, the Inquisition, and through it he never wrote a letter. Never stopped to ask much at all, not eighteen and a sword in his hand.
How many others did? How many, in that dead unit? ]
Dunno if no one wrote mine down. New Captain's not… well, he's Orlesian. But I worry, I mean. I wonder if this don't sign worse ahead. Telling folks we got a mandate, so we'll use it.
[ The only survivor. They don't talk about it much. Didn't, before, when any invocation felt it might bring the war back down on the Inquisition's head. The only survivor. Alone, save Antosha; and alone for that choice. ]
no subject
I think it's a sign of which way the wind is blowing, [quiet, off Cedric's last observation.] It could still change, though whether in direction or intensity remains to be seen. Either way, we've been fighting Corypheus a long time. Someone, at least, is starting to think it's past time to establish a new normal, I imagine.
[Corypheus will win or he will lose, eventually. But the longer Southern Thedas does without a functional Circle system, the more people potentially become accustomed to its absence. It's a political problem as much or more than a military one.]
no subject
But it's one thing to want the Circles restored. It's another, to know the blood that'll take. Self-organization hasn't worked. Reforms keep getting thrown back. Every year there's less room for a peaceful way out, for a world more like Cumberland; less like the Gallows. A generation of mages have only known this. The continent crawls with untrained apostates, folks primed to be sad and angry and frightened,
(If I'm being generous, Antosha. He was frightened.)
The creak of a chair. Fingers tent over eyes and nose. Where and how Riftwatch should fall into that new, ]
Guess we'll know when they ask for amputations.
[ A bad joke. ]
no subject
Well. I don't think there's any need to jump ahead. But maybe it is worth thinking about how you'd react to some of the more likely next steps, when they come. Though I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that.
[This exhale is closer to a sigh than a laugh.]
If you stay. I sincerely hope the Order is worthy of you. I suppose that may sound ... I do mean it.
no subject
'S my sword hand.
[ He's ambidextrous. And so that too could sound a joke, save that —
The next steps. He has thought about some, he has decided; one bright line above the noise: To take Riftwatch is to take him from the field. There are things that Cedric can't stomach. There are people he's done cutting down. ]
If you... Know you got yourself sorted, but I got ears. Can't say I'll understand any better. But I'd like t'try. I mean that, too. Not only for now.
no subject
[He doesn't mind explaining his position to sympathetic rifters, since they've started asking more recently; if he minded, he'd decline to. But it's different in a way that can't be fully measured.]
To the extent I'm sorted now, [debatable, in his own view] it didn't happen cleanly and it didn't happen fast. I've tried to do the right thing, but. You know.
[How easy it wasn't, sometimes, to identify "the right thing," nevermind actually doing it.]
no subject
[ Hoped, when he came here, that much'd come easier. Always seems it should be, under someone's banner. Simple problems, hero stories. Kid shit. ]
What's been guiding that? What,
[ a gesture unseen. ]
What've you been holding it to?
no subject
...I think there is good in the world that's worth protecting. Helping to grow, if I can. Even without the lyrium, I still have a pair of strong arms, a decent education. The willingness to stand between someone more vulnerable and a threat, when I can. I don't know that I know what's right, but I still believe it's worth trying to figure it out.
[A pause.]
Didn't mean to make a speech, but. I think those who would use power to oppress or abuse those without should be opposed. Corypheus and his followers are a clear-cut case and an imminent threat, so.
[Thus coming to Riftwatch, presumably.]
no subject
That good you found — it feel the same way when you see it? Clear.
[ imminent. ]
no subject
[A pause while he considers.]
Sometimes it's just as clear. Laid out perfectly in front of me. And sometimes it's a mass of gray, and I just try to grab hold of the lightest shade I can because not choosing is also a choice. It doesn't always feel enough, but it's the best I have.
no subject
[ when he wasn't choosing. ]
There's a point to having the answer, I mean. Clear or not. Choosing wasn't why I went after you. I dunno. 'S just, can't field an army on no orders. Seen how that goes.
[ the reds, the march, it all breaks down in the pitch of battle. ]
Don't expect you t'have the answer. But you been in charge of folks, before. They're never putting me in that.
it's been 84 years
[An exhale, not quite a sigh.]
I gave back my rank and my insignia, but I can't give back years of training. For better or worse. I did used to lead, and when someone looks to me, even now, I have the impulse to give an answer.
[Would he still think any choice is better than no choice, if he hadn't been trained to make those battlefield calls? No way to know, now.]
588 dog years
no subject
[Even if it's wrong. It's a trap he knows well enough, and one he still sometimes falls into.]
I don't think being wrong is the end of the road, though, for what it's worth. It's only the end if you never ask another question again. Don't think you're in any danger of that, at least.
no subject